When it came to all other things in my life, God was number one. But in relation to relationships, God was always number two. Why was this so?
I always felt i was in control because i did not understand how can God be, because i thought i should do it myself, basing from my back ground, where i did not relate with God in relation to what i was seeing in my family. As for me other things were controlled by God but relationship that was my sole duty as i based it on my emotions and physical attraction. I loved from the face value, what a man could offer on how he looked or the potential they had from the looks and i was a prey to big dreamers as i saw them in the future and not the time i met them. I lived in dreams and not realities just because i was a spiritual girl who saw the future and for sure i was meant to be doing all what i was doing in the future and not then. But woe unto the things of this world that perish because they lack the foundation of God.
Little did i know that, every relationship has to have a base with God. Every successful relation will be strong if it is founded on God. I will not put the number of the relationship i went in and out trying to prove a point that i am a good woman, full of love, care, submission and name the good things that every good and sweet woman have, but alas! I failed all the exams with all the qualities and good ratings i had because i took God as number two, in all my endevours in relation to relationships and no wonder it was a nightmare!
I worked hard, i became the person to the blind, i toiled, i even did things that i ought not to have done, became so vulnerable to my attractions, just in search for approval and affirmation in my pursuit; only to be left in pain and anguish due to my foolishness of not reading from all the red flags, just because i had fallen in “love”.
In pursuit to meet my Mr. Right, i ended up wounded, torn apart, left with responsibilities, emotionally drained and with a very low self-esteem. But one thing that encouraged me was that, God was still in control even when i put him number two. I had to go back to my drawing board.
It dawned on me that, God does not hate me, it is only that i put a man in his place and he allowed me to understand my mistakes as he made me become the woman he wanted me to become for his work and for my future husband (in other words, he was preparing me for the future). When i looked around and saw all what i did wrong not long ago, i decided to start a fresh and do all the right that will lead me to the right relationship for God’s glory. I am so amazed that after i made this covenant with him, and I told him to take control of everything in relationship to my future partner, i will be honest to tell you that, it has been my sweetest journey ever of peace and patience in my waiting. The things he reveals to me and confirms to me fathoms me and i agree with all the testimonies i hear of those ahead of me who say how God had always guided them in the same pursuit, where i thought it was a dream come true on how God can direct them to fulfillment; and i can tell, it is very possible if you depend on God. I am not there yet but the joy that is in my heart, can tell it all.
To be honest i wish i knew this when i was growing up because, i would have waited patiently for my Mr. Right and not jump my rope before time. But wait a minute, the Lord reminds me, my past is not a regrettable thing, because even in that foolishness state of mine, he was still in control because he gave me my two handsome boys that i cannot explain the joy they give me as a mother to them and the many lessons i have learnt to be a mother and the honour that comes with the crown. This makes me feel that i am a woman enough, fearfully made and i do not need any man to make me complete, because i am already complete in my Lord. God allowed me to be in my wilderness in search of Him so that when i get to know Him for real, i will understand his love for me. Today as i was reading John 19 and i saw how my Lord was crowned a twisted thorn crown that he did not deserve, just because of me, made me shed tears of joy as i read the chapter, to know how much the Lord loves me despite my failures.
Now, i know that Jesus did not only die for my good (Life) but for all my pain and struggles. The crown that he will give me at his own time, it is the crown that he paid for me to be celebrated, and took my twisted ugly crown instead, so that i can wear his that is so Worthy because of his love. What a sweet love story from my Lord.
What am i talking about? To put God number one was not the easiest thing in my life. It cost my life a great deal. But the new journey i established with my Father not long ago, has not only given me peace but has made me a queen who is waiting to be crown soon by my Lord. I am saying all these standing on the promises that my Father has given me because, he is not a man to lie to me nor is he a man to change his mind.
I relate my life with the Lord’s coming, that, i should keep my garment pure so that he will meet me clean and worthy of the glory. Now that i walk in purity and cleansing myself daily through his Word, Prayer and Daily repentance and waiting patiently for him to crown me, i am sure, i made the best decision ever to let go and let God. I am humbled as i tell my story of waiting on God instead of depending on my own. Today, God is number one besides everything, even the man he will give me. He will have to be a number two and allow my SAVIOUR, JESUS CHRIST to be number one. And for sure this guy, is elected because for him to find this jewelry he has to be purged and made by no one but my Lord because he will be his example sent from him.
What a wonderful revelation after 20 years of struggle and pain. At his own time he will reward me for obeying him and deciding to put him first. I will not fear what a man will say about me, but i will fear what the Lord will say about me because, he is the only one who knows and understands me. The world will not, but him alone will and i am so excited to be a child of God and waiting for his blessing from all corners because he remains God in my good and my bad.
Glory be to Jesus! Amen!