THAT NIGHT, THE KING COULD NOT SLEEP: ESTHER 6:1

I am very excited as I write this because my Lord reigns.  I have realized when you surrender to your Lord and you rekindle your love for him, He will always speak to you in so many ways just like before or when he started with you.   I am excited because, when I came in the office in the morning, (22^nd May 2013), I had issues that I had to sort out there out and I needed first to report and ask for permission to go out and take care of my errands.  Well, I missed out reading the Word as my usual when I come to the office, but I was in spirit because I was praying since I boarded the Matatu to the office. 

I arrived to the office and asked for permission to go out.  I was granted to go and attend to my issues.  But as I went out I was still interceding and I was enjoying my fellowship with my Lord even on the road.  I hope I was not shocking those who met with me because I was smiling aimlessly enjoying the fellowship I had with my Lord and I really enjoyed it as I walked by.  When I arrived where I was going, I had to stop the fellowship and embark seriously on my issues and somehow I was helped half way and went back to the office.  I could not stop interceding on my way back again and I felt in my spirit I need to read the word so that I crown it all when I reach the office.  Before I read the word I visited my face book page (social network) and met a servant of God who had said hi to me and I replied.  In my reply I asked him to share with me a word because I was thirsty to hear a word from the Lord.  He did not reply I guess he had not seen it, but as I went on scrolling my time line comments, I found my pastor had written this on his time line (wall).

(The most profound words in the book of Esther for me are in 6:2, 'that night, the king could not sleep'.

As the enemy Haman plotted to destroy Mordecai, God gave the king a bout of divinely inspired insomnia, which moved him to fondly remember how Mordecai had saved his life and determine to reward him. Enter Haman, with his deadly plan to frame Mordecai. To his horror, the king conscripted him there and then to run before Mordecai and honor him!

Lord, I pray that you will give important people insomnia on my behalf and on behalf of the mission you have called me to. I pray that you will frustrate ALL the enemy's plans against me and turn all evil intended against me around for my good today and in days to come. AMEN.)

As usual, I liked it and made my comment as this: - Amen! Also claim the same favour Pastor M. May the Lord bless you for sharing coz i have also tapped my blessing and claiming it in Jesus Name!

Immediately I did this I started praying and told God, “now that you have given me a word through my Pastor, let me read the entire Chapter 6 of the Book of Esther so that I hear more profoundly from you today”.  I embarked on reading Esther chapter 6.  It was so sweet to read and the Lord spoke to me.  I did not stop there I read up to Chapter 7 but before I finished reading I got a call that I had to attend to and guess what?, the Lord confirmed to me the word that someone did not have sleep just thinking of an issue that disturbed him and he had to contact me and make a follow up with me.  Something I had ignored about and thought it was a waste of time, but the Lord confirmed to me that he was involved in it so I should not ignore but take heed and take the instructions with immediate effect.  Well, after finishing with the phone, I called those I had to call on the same issue and I found a breakthrough pap.  I was overwhelmed on how my Lord works!  He is such a good Lord and very faithful.  After I finished all the dealings, as pertains the call I went back to the Bible and continued reading Esther 6 and 7.  I was really excited because the story was so sweet to read.  It answered most of my questions and things that I was having a problem with in the recent past. 

I was happy for what the Lord did to King Xerxes that night that he could not sleep.  I actually realized the verse that said the King could not sleep was Esther 6:1. (That night the king could not sleep ;)  Guess what? When the king did not sleep he decided instead of wasting his time thinking about things that do not add value he decided to ask for the book of Chronicles the record of his reign to be brought in and read to him.  Just imagine he found that Mordecai had done something good in the past that saved his life and he had never been rewarded.    

This excited me so much because it brought vivid some things in my life that I have done and wondered who will ever recognize them?  I realized that God keeps a record of everything that I do well and as much as I have not been rewarded, He has them in record and one day I will reap from my goodness.  I should never tire to do well/good or feel discouraged because I have been discouraged so much in this area.  Most of the time I am good to people but I end up getting so hurt. Ehe!  What else? Well, I will continue exciting you on my insight about this story and tell you, remember King Xerces did not know Mordecai in person.   But because of what was put in record sometime back, that he saved his life was kept in record for future reference. Heheheheh! this sounds so sweet for me.  Remember God knew what he was doing when Mordecai was not rewarded that time.  When I look at the story of Mordecai, I asked God why he couldn’t be rewarded that time when he did this good.  And the Lord reminded me that he had not finished with Mordecai and wanted to bless him at his own appointed time.  He had first to deal with him and his issues so that he can use him at his time which was in the future.  Remember God can be dealing with you in good and in bad.  When I look at Mordecai I do not think he was enjoying life where he was at the Kings gate.  So, meaning he was in his low moments, but was still waiting upon God.  Meaning that we should thank God when we are doing well and when we are not doing well.  I guess Mordecai used to pray and God heard is cry.  That is why God was doing all these behind the curtains since nobody knows what God is doing until we see the manifestation.  You might be going through storms, but even in the storm the Lord is working it out for you.  The storms will not finish you, but will prepare you for what God has in stall for you.  That is when you confirm, truly God was involved and his is faithful.  Most of the time you may wonder the way you have been doing these good all this time but no one has ever recognized you or even given you a pat on your back but you have been frustrated all along.  I will tell you, do not look at things in that line, but focus on God.  Let him deal with you as you seek him and when he shows up, He will rub all your tears.  Humiliation does not come with joy, but so much pain. But do not worry when you see yourself in that situation, know that God is preparing something big for you and he is just preparing it for you in your pain so that you surrender and submit to him because all glory and honour is usually His.  If he just grants it to you just like that without you enduring, you might think it was your making while it was His.  The pain is usually a way to show you that you are still under his mercies and you should never seek for help from anywhere else but from Him.  Remember He is a jealous God too and He needs you wholly!  I am not saying all blessing come with humiliation.  No!  What I am emphasizing here is that most of the time the blessing that comes after you have gone through a lot of pain, you are likely to remember them because they are usually answers to prayers during our pains and agony period.  But when we just get the blessing so easily, most of the time we take them for granted and you will find out that we rarely share that blessing.   This gives me a lot of hope in that the Lord is dealing with me in my pain and at the same time he has a lot in store for me and I should trust on him at all times.  Things might not go straight like am talking here, you will face so many tribulations but I am being encouraged that after the tribulations, I will be taken to my next level with my reward that was never awarded the time I thought it was to be. 

I am very happy to write this script because I have realized that the Lord has totally healed me and I should now wait for his blessings at his own time.  When the King read all what Mordecai had done, he asked, was this man ever rewarded for this good thing he did about me really?  This person needs to be rewarded and he had to call the person who was put in charge of Mordecai.  Guess what, that person was Haman who had just come from the King to tell him that the place to hang Mordecai was ready and he needed the next instructions.  Gosh! Remember God will use the same person who is humiliating you to lift you and also Glorify Himself.  We are not told what was the answer to from the King to Haman about hanging Mordecai, but I am amazed when the King was told Mordecai had never been awarded by the attendants, he felt he would reward this person and called Haman not knowing what was in the King’s mind, for him to recommend what someone who had done good would be awarded.  Haman rewarded this person thinking it was him that the king had in mind and guess what, he gave his best recommendation and he was shocked when the King told him to go and do exactly do that to Mordecai as a way of rewarding him.  He had to do that with a lot of pain and humiliation and that’s is why after he finished doing what the king ordered him to do to Mordecai he had to share it with his wife and his friends because it was very humiliating.  When God is dealing with you, he will not incorporate others but deal with you alone.  Their advice could not reach anywhere because he was picked very fast and taken to dine with and the King not knowing what was ahead of him.  God had heard Mordecai’s cry and was working it out through the King and Esther the queen.  

Let me tell you my dear brother and sister, do not worry at what the devil has been plotting against you.  Remember you are on Gods side and do not be shaken.  Serve your God where you are, with your issues knowing that he will work them out for you but never go out of his Will /Umbrella.  You better solve your issues while you are in Christ than when you are out there without Christ. Most of us that claim to love the Lord we fall many times, but because of his mercies he will always forgive us and give us another chance and bless us.  The most important thing is to accept Christ as your Personal Saviour and the rest will come in place as you continue growing in Him. Remember God knows you in and outside.  He knows when you will be down and when you will be up.  The thing here is that you are in his territory and he will never leave you nor forsake you.  When I read this two chapters I did not plan to read them today, nor did I know my Pastor would post on in his wall I read it.  But it has really ministered to my Heart and I am excited to share this story with you.  Esther was asked by the King what was her petition.  I guess, for the King to realize that Queen Esther had an issue and she would address it during the party, must have been a deep thing that the King had thought over and over about his queen and he had to usher her with her wishes because he loved her that much.  I also guess, Queen Esther had played her cards cool to be honoured by King with a dinner party.  This was very timely because God was in the whole idea to save Mordecai’s life.  Mordecai did not know what was happening behind the curtains but God was working miracle wonders for him through the King and the Queen.  And Queen Esther told the King, Esther 7:3  “if I have found favour with you, O king, and if it pleases your majesty, grant me my life-this is my petition.  And spare my people –this is my request.”  You can read the entire chapter but I am just excited after she brought her petition to the King, the King was mad and he could not believe what was going on with Haman.  It is important to note that, most of the time some people can be placed on high places and use those flat forms to hurt others and not to bless.  The King could not imagine all what Haman was doing or even if he knew he had to listen to those he believed and trusted in order to take action.  In this case he believed what Esther told him and he also used the book of Chronicles to grant justice.    Actually I guess when he went back to the palace he realized no wonder Haman was doing this and that, no wonder he wanted Mordecai hanged, you mean he is this kind of a person?  And to make the matters worse when he came back and found him clinging over the queen as he was pleading with her for his life, the king mistook that still to molesting the queen in his eyes and got angrier and ordered him to be hanged on the same Gallow that he wanted Mordecai to be hanged. 

My friend, this story has really encouraged me so much.    You may not be going through what Mordecai and his people were going through, but we all have issues and we wonder day in day out what is all this?   I will encourage you and tell you, do not worry God is in control. 

Earlier I had talked about a call I got immediately I was reading the word and the Lord answered my distress that disturbed me for some time.  This is about a close person to me who wanted to do something for my son and I wondered if this person really wanted to help me.  And if he wanted to help me, why was he not involving himself so that I see truly he is interested in helping my son.  I rebelled and told God, if this is from you Lord, show yourself real.  In the morning before I did anything, the thought had come and I was accusing the person in my thinking and I was saying he is not serious.  If he was serious he would do one or two things to address the issue about my son. Guess what, when I read the word about how the king did not sleep during that time of Mordecai and Esther, I guessed that, God did not also allow this person to sleep by engaging him to come up with a solution to convince me of what he was saying about my son, and also him confirming to me that all these is from god since he told me he was being ordered by God to do it and that is why he is doing it.  Immediately I woke up from my I ignorance and did all what I was meant to do and so far I have seen the breakthrough because all the people I was meant to call in relation to this issue have consented and now the plans are now underway!

 

We all have issues that bother us, but the best person to answer us is God through his Word.  You might not read the Bible the way with think Pastors do, but I will encourage you and tell you, reading the Word is not meant for pastors.  It is meant for all of us.  Pastors have been put there to be help us by guiding and Sheppard us.  I thank God I read what my pastor had written on his wall because the Lord has spoken to me so profound from what he shared and I also claimed the same favour and I can see truly it flowed to me.

What is your take?  God speaks in so many ways.  He can speak through his Word, his servants, environment, persons, e.t.c.  Can you be alert in the spirit so that he can minister to you?  May the Lord today open your eyes that you may see his wonderful things and enjoy the fruit of his fellowship.  Psalms 119:18  “Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law”. Amen!    

HOW DOES IT FEEL WHEN YOU REPENT AND RESTORED?

I am really excited by what the Lord can do in one’s life, and am not talking about anyone else but myself.  Those who have been following my blog or have been reading my scripts can a test that I do not talk about anybody here, but I talk about myself most of the time as I encourage you and make you understand we all have struggles and issues.  One might ask why I do like talking about myself?  I guess it is easier talking about yourself because you know yourself very well than any other person and most of the time we are enemies of our own self.  I have chosen to be talking about myself as I grow spiritually and perfect my doings in the things of God because I feel down deep my heart that the Lord will use me mightily if I submit to him and seek for his guidance, correction and all that appertains to him. But first he has to deal with me and that is exactly what the Lord is doing or has been doing in my recent past.   

Sometimes it is hard for people to realize that they are living in sin and surrender them and repent so that they can have a fellowship with the Lord.  I will not judge anyone here because I will be judging myself.  But I will say, most of the time when I am doing well in the Lord I feel excited especially when I know am not living in any sin.  But let me tell you, when I fall or flip, I will pretend for sometime and start shunning church and the things of God and depend on my own.  This trend has really slowed me so much in my walk with the Lord.  But I guess sometimes it is healthy especially when you know your weakness so that, when the Lord deals with you, then you will not fall or go back to your weakness that drives you to sin.  No wonder it is said, Gods time is always the best.  I tell you, you will just keep that weakness that leads you to sin, but when God strikes you to let go, it will not be sweet.  This has happened to me not once, twice or thrice.  Usually it is not a very sweet experience when you have a strong hold that the Lord has to remove from you.  The correction comes with a bang until you realize and recognize that it is only God who can deliver you.  This is the time you confess repent and walk in righteousness. 

What am I driving at when I say all this?  I feel obliged to write what am feeling in my heart such a time when I surrendered to the Lord and he has been restoring me.  I am one excited person because 1 year ago I was enjoying my fellowship with the Lord and it was such a nice experience.  I could even dream dreams and interpret them and it was awesome.  But until I continued in my sins that I kept hiding for sometime, that I found myself  not growing and had to go through major storms in my life and I have realized that I needed God than never before and repent my sin and ask the Lord to help me through this journey.  I am really excited because now I can have at least half of my time doing the things of God my reading the word, encouraging others, placing myself to places that exalt God and so on.  This is a sign that the Lord is restoring me because I feel His joy flowing my heart even as I worship him in whatever situation which was not happening to me in the last past one year.

It is my prayer that the steps that I have taken for my restoration will work out for me because I want to go to the next level in my spiritual life.  I do not want to be stagnant any more and I want to be used of the Lord in small or big way. 

I will speak about a dream I had yesterday and the day after yesterday.  These two dreams have spoken to me deeply and this is my joy because when the Lord restores you, he starts speaking to you in so many different ways.  He can use your dreams, situations, people and so on.  But I want to speak about my two dreams that were so profound.  The day before yesterday i.e. 15^th May 2013, I had a dream and I dreamt about this little boy who had dreads and looked like a beggar.  This young boy was crying and he had blood oozing from his mouth.  It’s like someone had beaten him that much until he bled and he was looking for someone to identify with him and help him out of the pain he was going through.  I felt in my spirit this boy was suffering rejection, a very big kind of rejection that I identified with because I have been suffering the storm of rejection for a long time now.  I really felt for him until I started explaining to people what he is going through like I knew it all.  I cant really remember the other things I was seeing in the dream but I can remember him trying to express himself to his mother who did not understand what his son was going through because she was part of the rejection.  Well, my dream ended and I was left devastated.  When I woke up I asked God what you are telling me about this boy.  Today, I was sharing that dream with a friend and as I tried to ask her to interpret it for me.  Immediately I got this revelation and told me it is a story of a man that I know that has been going through this spirit of rejection since his child hood (the person came immediately in my mind).  It was so evident because, as his friend since I got to know him, he has never treated me well.  I have tried my level best to be good to him but with no positive response apart from transferring the rejection spirit to me by silencing himself and acting very weirdly.  I will not talk about this person so much, but I want to encourage many people out there who feel rejected and they are going through a tough time.  I will tell you, I am not an exceptional and I have been rejected since child hood and this spirit keeps haunting me so much because it does not give me peace even with the people around me.  As am searching my heart and seeking for help from my church, I would want to tell you do not walk alone.  Look for people that believe in the Lord and can be able to walk with you.  I have taken that step and I have realized it is a deep rooted thing that needs to be dealt with so that you can know exactly how it started and how it has affected you and be delivered from it.  This friend of mine, I always feel like shunning him forever, but something funny in one way or another we will talk as much as it is not that often and I always remember him.  My prayer today is to pray for him, myself and others who go through this oppression of rejection.  May the Lord help me as I take this journey of identifying those suffering from the spirit of rejection and embracing them towards their healing. 

The other dream was on 16^th May 2013.  It was about me.  I saw myself excited because I was going to get married.  I could see my brothers, sisters really helping me out so that I get married.  But I was seeing so many obstacles.  They were coming in terms of dirt and this was vivid when I was going to the bathroom to shower.  I remember I had chosen a very good birth room to shower in because it had all the facilities i.e. a shower with warm water, nice fittings and I was to enjoy my shower in preparation to wear my wedding dress I get married.  But suddenly I do not know what happened and the bathroom became filthy that I could not take a shower any more.  I tried even asking for assistance and it was fruitless.  I tried to engage my sister and brothers but they were no where.  The place was so terrible and I could not shower.  Suddenly I woke up and wondered what kind of a dream was that.  I was really enjoying the part that I was going to get married but it did not work out for me because I could not shower I go on with my wedding plans because of the filth that I do not know came from where.  I got a revelation when I was sharing with my friend in the office that the Lord desires me to get married, but there is a lot of filth around me that I need to take care of.  Well, you do not know exactly what am talking about, but to be honest there is a lot of filth that I have to deal with so that I get my hearts desires.  So, I will have to look for this filth because it has caused me this delay in my marriage and I know my God will see me through because I have chosen not to do it alone but through his help.  This I know will help me when I search myself and know where I am, the filth that is in my life and work on it.  This I know will not come overnight.  I have to seek my Lord so that he guides me and opens for me all these books with this filth and help me on how to go about them.   

I will encourage you my dear reader that, do not look down upon yourself.  Do not even judge yourself and say you are good for nothing or you can never be helped.  Just take a step of faith and believe that the Lord will forgive you, heal you and restore you.  You will enjoy his love and fellowship because that is what am enjoying right now after a long battle with my storms.   I thank God that you have read and the Lord will guide you to the right places to seek for help.  God bless you as you take a big step of Faith.  Amen!

  

STARTING ALL OVER AGAIN, IT DOES NOT MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU FALL!

Talk of starting all over again. I have done this many times and I will not give up.  It is through my falling and waking up that has brought me this far.  I have realized most of the time when we are ok and everything is alright with us, we are comfortable.  But let me tell you, until you fall and wake up then you will never know how far you have come and where you are going.  Well, I am not justifying falling here, but most of the time we find ourselves there and am talking out of my personal experience.  I know there are those who do not get challenges and they stand, but I will share my experience and encourage those in my shoes.     I like comparing my state with a child who just starts to walk. In a normal circumstance, there is no child that has ever woken up at once and walked.  They go step by step falling until they stand stable and walk.  Even in their walk it does not mean they do not stumble again and fall but it is in all these falling that they find strength, hope, and courage to continue walking and reach their destination.

In my last post, I wrote how down I was by way of not reading the word of God consistently and this has really weighed me down for sometime now.  But I did not just post for the sake of posting, I was looking for a place to pour out my heart and my weakness so that I can be relieved.  I embarked on my weakness and am picking up my pieces by going back to the drawing board and asked myself where did I go wrong?  In the process, I found out what exactly went wrong and I am working on it.  I realized the main thing is that I had not forgiven myself for something I felt I did that did not please my God.  It has not been very easy for me to come to term with it, but I know I did not please my God at all and that is why I had no fellowship with God because our God is always right and he can never go wrong.  He will never pat my back when I go wrong but he will enable me identify my falling and give me room to repent and go back to him.   (1^st John 1:9-10)  ⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.  The word of God is always the answer to all our problems,  I may not get someone to help me with my problems but I am not supposed to sit there and wait for someone to come I have to do something and my option was to go back to the Word of God.  It reminded me that if I say I have no sin or have not sinned when I know I have sinned I will make my God look a liar because he knows me in and outside.  When I sin and when I have not sinned.  The Bible has given me many chances not to be embarrassed about myself but love myself the way I am even in my falling because there is always another chance with our God.  He tells me if I confess my sins he is faithful and just to forgive me because he knows me anyway.  This is where he tests my pride and my big head to see if I fall in sin what do I do as his child?  Do I proudly walk in sin and make things to look right when they are not?  Certainly many do that but I thank God am in the category of those that when they sin against God then something happen.  My fellowship is discontinued with him until I make it right with my God.  I realized I asked for forgiveness and confessed my sin but I did not forgive myself and that guilt is the one that has been eating me up and put me to a point of not reading the word. 

So what did I do?  I accepted truly I sinned against my God and confessed and repeated, and then I started reading the word.  Surprisingly I enjoyed the fellowship and started it all over again.  I decided to believe that the Lord forgave me and now I need to forgive myself because that is what weighed me down.  I thought I am a very perfect lady that there are some things that I can’t do but I was shocked I am like any other human being.  We might think we stand all the time and laugh at others who are wallowing in sin.  We forget if we are put in their shoes we will be even worse than them.  What did I learn out of this experience?  That, there are things that we have sworn in our hearts that we cannot do forgetting that the Lord has not allowed them to happen for us not because he loves us more than others but because he created us and he knows what we can handle and what we cannot handle.   I will tell you do not swear just ask God to help you.  What I have experienced from my past is that I will stop being judgmental and take things as they are and seek remedy from there without judging or placing a tag on anything that comes my way.  I thank God I went through what I went through and now I understand the pain, trauma and the rejection that people go through with my experience.  I have come to realize that may be God wanted me to understand the experience so that I stand with people who struggle with some sin.  I will say it is not a good experience but I kept asking God why did I have to go through the pain and anguish of a sin I dreaded all this time.  And I was reminded that he calls me with a purpose and if he has to make use of me, he has to mold and make me understand what his children suffer from, so that I will embrace them the way they are without judging and help them out.  It was not easy for me but now I understand why?  I know there are so many other experiences that the Lord will spare me, but I asked particularly why did this have to happen to me?  I know he meant it well for me because it was a correction and rebuke to something I was hiding from him and it weighed me down to a point that i was not growing spiritually but could not admit it is a weakness.  He had to make my weakness pronounced through this experience so that I can turn away from it and realize that am supposed to walk in spirit and truth.  He has a good plan for me (Jeremiah 29:1)  ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  That my Lord knew me from long time before and my plans are in his hands and they are good plans for me even in my dark days because they are not for harm but for good, hope and a future.  He is preparing me to be used of him through my experiences whether they are good or bad.  The Bible is very clear and is the truth and life.  If you have a problem just go back to the word of God and you will get all the answers to your problem.  Sometimes it can be hard especially when you are going through a tough time, but you can look for a friend or someone who is standing to walk with you because with my experience it was not easy to read the word.  But from the healing I got through repentance and surrender I am able now to confess that I am back on my two feet in reading the word of God daily even if it is not everyday but at least I find myself reading the world often.

When I decided to forgive myself it was the first step for healing but this did not just come up, I had to also seek for forgiveness from someone that I felt I had offended and I had to swallow my pride and reach out to him.  I did not know how the person would have taken it, but I knew I had a role to play by asking for forgiveness.  It does not matter the criteria I would have used but I had to seek for forgiveness.  It was not easy because reaching out to this person was not an easy thing.  But God gave me wisdom to do it and I am shocked at what the Lord can do.  This person God touched him and he looked for me.  He did not really tell me anything in particular because the mode of communication was not conducive to talk much,  but from just looking for me and the effort put to look for me and rekindle our friendship confirmed to me that he has forgiven me and I feel the peace of God that surpasses all understand just right here with me because I am now a free lady.  Simply because I sought to forgive and also forgave myself.  There is no other joy that I will ever seek than this, having my fellowship back with my Lord.  I will say it has not worked for me overnight, it has taken me almost a year now (around 9 months).  You may say you have taken a longer or shorter time to reconcile with your God, but I will encourage you and tell you, do not look at the time frame.  Look at this particular time that you are reading this article and reconcile with the Lord and yourself.  I am now excited because I am reading the word of God daily, and I have the joy of the Lord in my heart.  I can now listen to Gospel songs and channels because I feel now freed to have a fellowship with my Lord.  I am shedding my love tear for my Lord every time I am fellowshipping with him whether reading the Bible, praise and worshiping him, writing such an article I feel the love and peace of my savior.  The fear is fading away and I am celebrating my fellowship. 

My friend I will tell you, salvation is not an easy thing as we may think and I will also say it is not a hard thing as we may think.  Salvation is a process and we are being made perfect each and every day.  Surely (Isaiah 53:4-6) tells me, ⁴Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted. ⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.⁶ We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.  This is very encouraging that Christ died for me so that I am set free.  I may fall and experience the pain but this is only for a short time because the Lord took the painful part that was heavy laden on me and what I feel is because I believe and love the Lord and I do not celebrate when sinning.  When I acknowledge that I have sinned then the Lord will forgive me and reconcile  me with him once I realize it  and repent.  The Bible reminds me that, by the Grace of God I shall overcome because the battle is not mine but the Lords.  If I submit myself to his guidance and protection then I will be set free from all my weaknesses.  It is just a matter of accepting, confessing and repenting.  Then ask God to walk with you even as you go on with life because that is not the end of temptation.  Many will come your way and you will over come them because you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! (Philippians 4:13) ¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Having said all that, does not mean that I have been perfected in my reading the word and my fellowship.   I am also doing something in my church a program that will help me stand strong with my fellow believers and I know that things will never be the same again.  My encouragement is that do not sleep there when you fall.   Wake up and ask the Lord to help you forgive yourself and reconcile with the Lord.  Look for people to walk with you because alone, you can’t make it.  Purpose that you will rekindle the first love you had for the Lord and consider it good for you to start all over again and have the full fruits of the fellowship of JESUS CHRIST. 

Thank you Lord for saving my life and this far Lord you have brought me.  Not by my might, but through your power in your Son Jesus Christ who died for me.  (John 3:16) ¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.