Talk
of starting all over again. I have done this many times and I will not give up.
It is through my falling and waking up that has brought me this far. I
have realized most of the time when we are ok and everything is alright with
us, we are comfortable. But let me tell you, until you fall and wake up
then you will never know how far you have come and where you are going.
Well, I am not justifying falling here, but most of the time we find ourselves
there and am talking out of my personal experience. I know there are
those who do not get challenges and they stand, but I will share my experience
and encourage those in my shoes. I like comparing my
state with a child who just starts to walk. In a normal circumstance, there is
no child that has ever woken up at once and walked. They go step by step
falling until they stand stable and walk. Even in their walk it does not
mean they do not stumble again and fall but it is in all these falling that
they find strength, hope, and courage to continue walking and reach their
destination.
In
my last post, I wrote how down I was by way of not reading the word of God
consistently and this has really weighed me down for sometime now. But I
did not just post for the sake of posting, I was looking for a place to pour
out my heart and my weakness so that I can be relieved. I embarked on my
weakness and am picking up my pieces by going back to the drawing board and
asked myself where did I go wrong? In the process, I found out what
exactly went wrong and I am working on it. I realized the main thing is
that I had not forgiven myself for something I felt I did that did not please
my God. It has not been very easy for me to come to term with it, but I
know I did not please my God at all and that is why I had no fellowship with
God because our God is always right and he can never go wrong. He will
never pat my back when I go wrong but he will enable me identify my falling and
give me room to repent and go back to him. (1st John
1:9-10) 9 If
we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and
purify us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we claim we have not
sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us. The
word of God is always the answer to all our problems, I may not get
someone to help me with my problems but I am not supposed to sit there and wait
for someone to come I have to do something and my option was to go back to the Word
of God. It reminded me that if I say I have no sin or have not sinned
when I know I have sinned I will make my God look a liar because he knows me in
and outside. When I sin and when I have not sinned. The Bible has
given me many chances not to be embarrassed about myself but love myself the
way I am even in my falling because there is always another chance with our God.
He tells me if I confess my sins he is faithful and just to forgive me because
he knows me anyway. This is where he tests my pride and my big head to
see if I fall in sin what do I do as his child? Do I proudly walk in sin
and make things to look right when they are not? Certainly many do that
but I thank God am in the category of those that when they sin against God then
something happen. My fellowship is discontinued with him until I make it
right with my God. I realized I asked for forgiveness and confessed my
sin but I did not forgive myself and that guilt is the one that has been eating
me up and put me to a point of not reading the word.
So
what did I do? I accepted truly I sinned against my God and confessed and
repeated, and then I started reading the word. Surprisingly I enjoyed the
fellowship and started it all over again. I decided to believe that the
Lord forgave me and now I need to forgive myself because that is what weighed
me down. I thought I am a very perfect lady that there are some things
that I can’t do but I was shocked I am like any other human being. We
might think we stand all the time and laugh at others who are wallowing in sin.
We forget if we are put in their shoes we will be even worse than them.
What did I learn out of this experience? That, there are things that we
have sworn in our hearts that we cannot do forgetting that the Lord has not
allowed them to happen for us not because he loves us more than others but
because he created us and he knows what we can handle and what we cannot handle.
I will tell you do not swear just ask God to help you. What I have
experienced from my past is that I will stop being judgmental and take things
as they are and seek remedy from there without judging or placing a tag on
anything that comes my way. I thank God I went through what I went
through and now I understand the pain, trauma and the rejection that people go
through with my experience. I have come to realize that may be God wanted
me to understand the experience so that I stand with people who struggle with
some sin. I will say it is not a good experience but I kept asking God
why did I have to go through the pain and anguish of a sin I dreaded all this
time. And I was reminded that he calls me with a purpose and if he has to
make use of me, he has to mold and make me understand what his children suffer
from, so that I will embrace them the way they are without judging and help
them out. It was not easy for me but now I understand why? I know
there are so many other experiences that the Lord will spare me, but I asked
particularly why did this have to happen to me? I know he meant it well for
me because it was a correction and rebuke to something I was hiding from him
and it weighed me down to a point that i was not growing spiritually but could
not admit it is a weakness. He had to make my weakness pronounced through
this experience so that I can turn away from it and realize that am supposed to
walk in spirit and truth. He has a good plan for me (Jeremiah 29:1)
11 For
I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. That my Lord
knew me from long time before and my plans are in his hands and they are good
plans for me even in my dark days because they are not for harm but for good,
hope and a future. He is preparing me to be used of him through my experiences
whether they are good or bad. The Bible is very clear and is the truth
and life. If you have a problem just go back to the word of God and you
will get all the answers to your problem. Sometimes it can be hard
especially when you are going through a tough time, but you can look for a
friend or someone who is standing to walk with you because with my experience
it was not easy to read the word. But from the healing I got through
repentance and surrender I am able now to confess that I am back on my two feet
in reading the word of God daily even if it is not everyday but at least I find
myself reading the world often.
When
I decided to forgive myself it was the first step for healing but this did not
just come up, I had to also seek for forgiveness from someone that I felt I had
offended and I had to swallow my pride and reach out to him. I did not
know how the person would have taken it, but I knew I had a role to play by
asking for forgiveness. It does not matter the criteria I would have used
but I had to seek for forgiveness. It was not easy because reaching out
to this person was not an easy thing. But God gave me wisdom to do it and
I am shocked at what the Lord can do. This person God touched him and he
looked for me. He did not really tell me anything in particular because
the mode of communication was not conducive to talk much, but from just
looking for me and the effort put to look for me and rekindle our friendship
confirmed to me that he has forgiven me and I feel the peace of God that
surpasses all understand just right here with me because I am now a free lady.
Simply because I sought to forgive and also forgave myself. There is no
other joy that I will ever seek than this, having my fellowship back with my
Lord. I will say it has not worked for me overnight, it has taken me
almost a year now (around 9 months). You may say you have taken a longer
or shorter time to reconcile with your God, but I will encourage you and tell
you, do not look at the time frame. Look at this particular time that you
are reading this article and reconcile with the Lord and yourself. I am
now excited because I am reading the word of God daily, and I have the joy of
the Lord in my heart. I can now listen to Gospel songs and channels
because I feel now freed to have a fellowship with my Lord. I am shedding
my love tear for my Lord every time I am fellowshipping with him whether
reading the Bible, praise and worshiping him, writing such an article I feel
the love and peace of my savior. The fear is fading away and I am
celebrating my fellowship.
My
friend I will tell you, salvation is not an easy thing as we may think and I
will also say it is not a hard thing as we may think. Salvation is a
process and we are being made perfect each and every day. Surely (Isaiah 53:4-6)
tells me, 4Surely he took up
our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by
God, stricken by him, and afflicted. 5 But he was pierced
for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that
brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.6 We
all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; and
the Lord has laid on him the
iniquity of us all. This is very encouraging that Christ died for me
so that I am set free. I may fall and experience the pain but this is
only for a short time because the Lord took the painful part that was heavy
laden on me and what I feel is because I believe and love the Lord and I do not
celebrate when sinning. When I acknowledge that I have sinned then the
Lord will forgive me and reconcile me with him once I realize it
and repent. The Bible reminds me that, by the Grace of God I shall
overcome because the battle is not mine but the Lords. If I submit myself
to his guidance and protection then I will be set free from all my weaknesses.
It is just a matter of accepting, confessing and repenting. Then ask God
to walk with you even as you go on with life because that is not the end of
temptation. Many will come your way and you will over come them because
you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you! (Philippians 4:13)
13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Having
said all that, does not mean that I have been perfected in my reading the word and
my fellowship. I am also doing something in my church a program
that will help me stand strong with my fellow believers and I know that things
will never be the same again. My encouragement is that do not sleep there
when you fall. Wake up and ask the Lord to help you forgive
yourself and reconcile with the Lord. Look for people to walk with you
because alone, you can’t make it. Purpose that you will rekindle the
first love you had for the Lord and consider it good for you to start all over
again and have the full fruits of the fellowship of JESUS CHRIST.
Thank
you Lord for saving my life and this far Lord you have brought me. Not by
my might, but through your power in your Son Jesus Christ who died for me. (John 3:16) 16 For
God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes
in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did
not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world
through him.
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