MY HEALING PROCESS STORY CONTINUES ...

Every time you see a swelling in your body and you have no clue what it is, please do not hesitate to go to the hospital to seek for the doctor’s advice. Most of the time we suffer silently not because we need to suffer, but simply because of ignorance. My Thyroid Nodule stayed in my body for more than 7 years just because i was in denial and i did not want the doctor to tell me it was anywhere near cancer. Of-course no wants any cancer to be near them, but this is a reality that is with us. As painful as it is, it is good to prevent, than to cure. As i said, my journey to go to the doctor to ascertain to me, what the swelling was all about, it is through a friend who told me, as in rebuking me, that i should not ignore the swell on my neck. To me it was a wake-up call that i did not want to hear about, as i did not want to hear the worst. This friend of mine, Mary, told me in a way that it was harsh so that i can take things seriously because she did not pamper me or sugar coat it. She told me, "You have to see a doctor because some things are cancer connected"

To be honest, her words to me were so harsh and i thought she does not wish me well. I hated her for some time until the Lord spoke to me one time and asked me if i took Mary's words seriously or i ignored them. I was very sincere with God and told him, actually not only did i hear what she said, but i hate her with passion. And our God is so faithful, kind and merciful; he did not judge me or punish me for my hard heart. He just reasoned with me and told me, "Mary wishes you well. Actually i used her to signal to you that the swelling is not a normal thing". Immediately i turned to God and asked him to forgive me. And i asked him to help me then face my storm. The Lord is so faithful that he guided me throughout the process and at some point when i was in the hospital after i was operated on, i thanked God for the successful surgery and i took my phone and called Mary. I confessed to her that i had sinned against her and i would want her to forgive me, because after she broke to me the news about the nodule, i did not take it kindly. I told her that i was calling her to thank her for being my point of connection to the reality that, if I continued ignoring about the Thyroid Nodule, then it would have turned out to be a disaster in the future because, the doctor told me, such swellings usually turn out to be cancerous.

Her confrontation helped me take a positive and bold step to see a doctor and not to ignore any more. As i write this, i am still in the healing process after a very miraculous surgery that is a story to tell because i never had any cash to go to the hospital, but the Lord came for me, money was provided miraculously and many debts that weighed me down, i was able to pay. And since, God has been very faithful.

I thank God also for my son Collins Munene because, he is the only one who understands what i have been going through. I cannot count even the responsibility he has to wake up every morning and prepare his small brother to go to school in the morning while i sleep because when i wake up so early in the morning i cough so much to a point that i cannot go to work. He has religiously done this for some time now, before and after my operation so that by the time i wake up, he has prepared my bathing water so that i get in the bathroom and shower very fast before the cold starts affecting me, and make the breakfast so that immediately i am from the bathroom i take it warm to give my body warmth. The responsibility my son has such a time, it is only a husband that can do, but I thank God, he has put my son in that gap to be there for me in time of need such a time. Not forgetting now, he is like a house girl. So, when someone judges my son so harshly and calling him names that does not soot him, I wish they could be in his shoes. Instead they could be crowning him as a hero. Taking care of her mum, the brother takes a man to be there for his family, and that takes God. Collins is a man enough and i thank God that such a time when even i cannot afford to pay a house girl, he is there for me. I won’t mention other things that he is doing that will touch people’s hearts, because my intention is not to be pitied but to just help people understand where we are coming from and where we are going and tell that, God is giving us a testimony to help you one day or even as I talk because, to me this is a testimony. 

The main agenda in my writing this note is not about my son, but it is a wake-up call to us all that, WHEN YOU SEE A SWELLING IN YOUR BODY, DO NOT IGNORE IT BUT SEEK FOR MEDICAL ATTENTION! I thank God because he loves us just the way we are. I thank God for the storms that he has passed me through because it is through them that he has made me this strong, dependent of him and very hopeful that he will one day vindicate me, make me victorious and i will be a living prove (Testimony) that God is so faithful, he can never give you a storm that you cannot bear. He is also very faithful, that, even if you are tempted, he will give you a way to overcome it. Today, i want to thank God for helping me make that hard choice, to obey him even at a time i did not want to, because he wanted good for me and not harm. As i continue with the journey of full recovery because healing is a process. I give God all the glory and my prayer is that he will reward my son one day and crown him a King in all that he does for his glory. Amen!

I HAVE STOPPED CHURCH HOPPING, WHY?

The last time I checked, I have been in like 7 churches so far, including the church I was born from.  This is not a secret because; those who know me personally knew me from the Catholic background.  Actually I was a staunch Catholic until I was in form two when I made that personal decision to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  At first it was my secret because I feared to say this at home as I knew it would not be accepted at home and even at school because I was a YCS (Young Catholic Student), leader as the Organizing Secretary.  And so, at school from form three, I was not a Catholic but when I went home I was a Catholic.  This went on until I left high school and at some point in college where I could no longer pretend; where I announced my stand.   This was not kindly taken as I lost many friends, I was rejected and called a betrayer of Catholics’ and to make the matter even worse, as a best student overall in my year of graduation in my former secretarial college, I was dropped from a job offer I was to get because of my utmost performance; just because I announced my stand!

It was not a very easy journey for me.  At home I did not mention my stand until I got my first job at age twenty when I knew, I was now standing on my own and I could do things on my own.  When I broke the news at home, no one questioned me because I was home at most three days and when I went my way, no one was with me and that enabled me leave the Catholic Church so easily and I stood on my own.  Coming from the Catholic background, it was not very easy to understand the worship style of the world I ventured into.  But my joy was the things they did, made me freer to be who I really wanted to be in the things of God.  But I will confess to you, that venture was not easy as I was subjected to so many confessions in the public and that was not the world I had come from.  As a Catholic, your sins were between you, your Catholic father and your God.  I did not know what I engaged myself to as I protestant.  Not mentioning getting pregnant out of wedlock and standing on the pulpit to confess before a multitude of people and everybody looked at me those of, how could you do that?  That was not the only big mistake I made in life, but a repeat of it much later and others that I could not even mention because, as I speak, I do not think I would be in any of the churches because of my sinful nature that I was in.  Little did I know, people hide their sins and me I am this girl who likes walking in the light and I go yapping all what I am doing because as I know, we should not hide our sins but confess them to one another and to God. 

That has been my struggle all along because I am this kind of a woman that, I will share all my sins. Let me tell you, no one will love you because you are a sinner as they will always judge you.  Let the truth be told, no one is righteous not even one.  We are all sinners, it is only that most of us we keep it to ourselves and confess to our God alone and we do not share them.  I am not trying to say here that people should sin in secret and keep it to themselves, rather, I want to say, know who you are confessing to and how they will be walking with you in relation to your struggles.  I have made many mistakes confessing my sins to people that are so evil to a point, what I share has been tarnished to be something else and I am called a pretender and not a lover of my Lord Jesus.  But Lo!  That has been my hardest journey and I do not regret any bit about my openness and vulnerability in my protestant world. Because, it is out of my weaknesses that today, I am a conqueror in Christ Jesus because I am no longer the same Rose.  I have dealt with most of my struggles and pain and I am wired for greatness because I chose not to be comfortable with my struggles and pain.    

Since I have hopped many churches, I know many things about churches and let me tell you for free, no church is PERFECT.  All the churches I have gone through, my friends, have issues and to be honest now I have made my conclusion, there is no church that is PERFECT.  I am not planning to move soon until the Lord tells me to.  In my last church I was, the Lord told me to move and I did not really believe he spoke because I could not see the church to join that could match it. But I obeyed anyway after an encounter.  And I now understand  why the Lord wanted me to move.  If you are waiting for me to pack and go, you will wait for long because the Lord has not yet spoken.  But if he does I will not hesitate.  I will move as he tells me because, I always listen to his voice and not people’s voices or what is going around me.  Today I am a mature woman in Christ and I am past some things I did, when I was young in the spirit.  There is no one’s church, we should all know that.  You might think some churches belong to some people but I will tell you, no church belongs to anyone.  The church belongs to God and that is why no one can brag about a church.  I have gone to churches that were thriving so much and today they are no more!  Why? There is no church that belongs to anyone.  We make the Church of Christ and that is why we are called to walk the talk and not just talk and walk other ways.  And no wonder we have so many issues in church.  I know someone is now waiting for me to leave my current church because of a post I made recently on my Facebook page that I manage.  But I will announce to you.  I am not going anywhere.  My saying that was targeting the people the clip was  speaking about in church and also encouraging my son who is so down currently about churches.  The people who kill other peoples dream and yet they claim to be godly and in church.  If you are in church and you behave like a worldly person, what hell are you doing in church my dear friend? You should be the first one to pack and go!  And leave the people of God to serve him in spirit and in truth.   

My take today in churches is, let us take it as our responsibility to behave as children of God in church. It makes me shudder to see people in church are worst of jealous, rumor mongers, haters of others, destiny killers, betrayers, conman and women, husband grabbers name them.   If someone is thirsty of God they come and say all their weakness in order to be set free and be guided on how to go about good and clean life, the church the best thing they can do today, is to reject, talking behind their back, tarnishing their names, make them feel good for nothing and name all those bad things?  So what is church for?  For coming to show off and pinning others down especially those that are struggling in life in many aspects of issues such as illness, financial lack, emotional illness, poor in the spirit, and so forth?  If you are not a rich person no one will even want to listen to you?  But if you drive the biggest car and have all what it takes you are the one who is honoured and valued.  What about the person that needs that help and recognition as a poor person in spirit?  What changed in the church where we now only focus on who is who and have forgotten the mandate that brought us together as a church?  Jesus did not come for the rich; he came for the POOR IN SPIRIT AND SINNERS!  Church, let us go back to the basics that the Lord taught us.  That is, being there for one another and carrying each others burden (LOVE).  And more so, reaching out to the LOST SOULS!  It fails me to understand the many short courses we take in churches, the many Keshas (overnight prayers) we attend, the many rallies we arrange and manage, the many fellowships we attend and others we attend to, and yet we remain the way we were even before we took the courses and many church activities we enroll ourselves to.   What is wrong with us Church?  Can someone answer me? 

I have made a lot of observation as a church hopper and I will tell this without fear, Church, we need to be the children of God and be like Jesus in all aspects.  There is no need to be a child of God only on Sunday and the other days we are just like the world.  We need to go back to the word of God and see where we are going wrong and especially in the Kingdom of God.  We are living a lie and we need to change for the good of our Church and be what God wants us to be and not what the world wants us to be! 

I have purposed not to church hop as much as I know things are not working so well where I am.  But when I say this, I do not mean if you are not happy where you are, that you should stay there.  Pray about it and let the leading of God be your guide. As for my case, have purposed to do things different and that is, being what God has called me to be and not a people pleaser so that I join the club of those that are being used by the evil one to bring problems in church.  It is so bad to see people in church for more than 10 years and others and they do not show any change in them but they are just the way they were and not only are they, they influence others to be like them in church and those are the people who bring problems in church and you wonder what has happened in church.  When I say this, these people are not many, but they are the idlers who have no work to do but to poke their noses where they ought not to, in the name Jesus.    

We are only fighting for positions in church, we want to use the church money in the wrong way to benefit ourselves instead of helping the needy, the poor and the work of God.  Our work nowadays in church is to come to show off what we have in terms of cars, clothes, relationships and others I won’t mention here. Remember God knows all our motives when we are in church and he will judge us.  If you are in church and you are not influencing the people in your house, where you work, where you go for shopping, and others, is it in church that you will bring change?   First deal with your house and when it is in order, come to church and bring that change there.  There is no need of living a lie so that you come to please people with your pretense and you are coming to influence others with your evil motives.  Be warned children of God, before the wrath of God comes upon you.    

As a servant of God, I am not speaking as a perfect person, but as a leader who is sent to tell us that we ought to change and bring the sanity that is needed in church and not the madness that we see in the world.  If we are like the world, where will the difference be?  Let us wake up and be used of God as we ought to and not pretend to be what we are not. If you know you are not living right, can you change and repent!!  

FINALY, I DECIDED TO MAKE GOD NUMBER ONE

When it came to all other things in my life, God was number one. But in relation to relationships, God was always number two. Why was this so?

I always felt i was in control because i did not understand how can God be, because i thought i should do it myself, basing from my back ground, where i did not relate with God in relation to what i was seeing in my family. As for me other things were controlled by God but relationship that was my sole duty as i based it on my emotions and physical attraction. I loved from the face value, what a man could offer on how he looked or the potential they had from the looks and i was a prey to big dreamers as i saw them in the future and not the time i met them. I lived in dreams and not realities just because i was a spiritual girl who saw the future and for sure i was meant to be doing all what i was doing in the future and not then. But woe unto the things of this world that perish because they lack the foundation of God.

Little did i know that, every relationship has to have a base with God. Every successful relation will be strong if it is founded on God. I will not put the number of the relationship i went in and out trying to prove a point that i am a good woman, full of love, care, submission and name the good things that every good and sweet woman have, but alas! I failed all the exams with all the qualities and good ratings i had because i took God as number two, in all my endevours in relation to relationships and no wonder it was a nightmare!

I worked hard, i became the person to the blind, i toiled, i even did things that i ought not to have done, became so vulnerable to my attractions, just in search for approval and affirmation in my pursuit; only to be left in pain and anguish due to my foolishness of not reading from all the red flags, just because i had fallen in “love”.

In pursuit to meet my Mr. Right, i ended up wounded, torn apart, left with responsibilities, emotionally drained and with a very low self-esteem. But one thing that encouraged me was that, God was still in control even when i put him number two. I had to go back to my drawing board.

It dawned on me that, God does not hate me, it is only that i put a man in his place and he allowed me to understand my mistakes as he made me become the woman he wanted me to become for his work and for my future husband (in other words, he was preparing me for the future). When i looked around and saw all what i did wrong not long ago, i decided to start a fresh and do all the right that will lead me to the right relationship for God’s glory. I am so amazed that after i made this covenant with him, and I told him to take control of everything in relationship to my future partner, i will be honest to tell you that, it has been my sweetest journey ever of peace and patience in my waiting. The things he reveals to me and confirms to me fathoms me and i agree with all the testimonies i hear of those ahead of me who say how God had always guided them in the same pursuit, where i thought it was a dream come true on how God can direct them to fulfillment; and i can tell, it is very possible if you depend on God. I am not there yet but the joy that is in my heart, can tell it all.

To be honest i wish i knew this when i was growing up because, i would have waited patiently for my Mr. Right and not jump my rope before time. But wait a minute, the Lord reminds me, my past is not a regrettable thing, because even in that foolishness state of mine, he was still in control because he gave me my two handsome boys that i cannot explain the joy they give me as a mother to them and the many lessons i have learnt to be a mother and the honour that comes with the crown. This makes me feel that i am a woman enough, fearfully made and i do not need any man to make me complete, because i am already complete in my Lord. God allowed me to be in my wilderness in search of Him so that when i get to know Him for real, i will understand his love for me. Today as i was reading John 19 and i saw how my Lord was crowned a twisted thorn crown that he did not deserve, just because of me, made me shed tears of joy as i read the chapter, to know how much the Lord loves me despite my failures.

Now, i know that Jesus did not only die for my good (Life) but for all my pain and struggles. The crown that he will give me at his own time, it is the crown that he paid for me to be celebrated, and took my twisted ugly crown instead, so that i can wear his that is so Worthy because of his love. What a sweet love story from my Lord.

What am i talking about? To put God number one was not the easiest thing in my life. It cost my life a great deal. But the new journey i established with my Father not long ago, has not only given me peace but has made me a queen who is waiting to be crown soon by my Lord. I am saying all these standing on the promises that my Father has given me because, he is not a man to lie to me nor is he a man to change his mind.

I relate my life with the Lord’s coming, that, i should keep my garment pure so that he will meet me clean and worthy of the glory. Now that i walk in purity and cleansing myself daily through his Word, Prayer and Daily repentance and waiting patiently for him to crown me, i am sure, i made the best decision ever to let go and let God. I am humbled as i tell my story of waiting on God instead of depending on my own. Today, God is number one besides everything, even the man he will give me. He will have to be a number two and allow my SAVIOUR, JESUS CHRIST to be number one. And for sure this guy, is elected because for him to find this jewelry he has to be purged and made by no one but my Lord because he will be his example sent from him.

What a wonderful revelation after 20 years of struggle and pain. At his own time he will reward me for obeying him and deciding to put him first. I will not fear what a man will say about me, but i will fear what the Lord will say about me because, he is the only one who knows and understands me. The world will not, but him alone will and i am so excited to be a child of God and waiting for his blessing from all corners because he remains God in my good and my bad.

Glory be to Jesus! Amen!