Now I understand when they say experience is the best teacher. Well, I have learnt most of my lessons through very painful experiences and I wonder if God can never make me understand them in a way that is cool, calm and collected, Instead, I have learnt my lessons through dramas to understand things.
Well, I have now come to conclude that I have to understand that God created me so uniquely that no one can really understand who I am besides Him. When sometimes I open my mouth to talk, most of the time I am judged just because of the way I talk and put my points a cross, simply because I talk like I am fighting someone or I am a bitter person, especially when I want to put a point across to people who are so negative, judgmental after knowing who exactly they are. That is just how I am created. When I am around people who concur with what I am saying, usually I am as calm as a dove actually you might mistake me to an angel. Wait until I meet the negative and judgmental characters. My world blows away and I am called a made person.
I have come to realize I am a very emotional person when I want to put a point across that people are not understanding. Unfortunately, no one likes someone who is emotional. Actually they take that person to be very weak and do not want to be associated with them or rather what they can bring on the table. Well, one Sunday I was in the Guest Experience Connect Tent where we attend to visitors at my local church. I was very reluctant to go and welcome the visitors but I remember one of my fellow volunteers insisted I attend the visitors. To me I was not ready to do that but I wanted to take a cup of juice that the visitors are normally given. When I was poured for my juice, before I made my first sip, the Lord spoke to my heart and told me, there is no way you can take that cup of juice and not serve my people. That guilt made me run to a table and I was handed some visitors to welcome and talk to.
Funny enough that day too was funny for me because we usually give out gifts to them in terms of a CD that have messages recorded from our Pastors. So, I remember I picked two CDs for myself so that I can go home and listen to the sermons too. Something very funny, I did not listen to the CDs a fast as I thought, but yesterday, I did not go to church and purposed to listen to the CDs. So I came a cross a sermon that was very powerful and while I was listening, I realized there is a gift called EMOTIONAL INTELECTUAL! I was shocked that it is a gift. Gosh, that gave me a lot of hope about my emotional character that has surprised me over the years. Something very funny those who know me at home, work place and church, will be shocked that I am this emotional person in all areas. I do not just act up at a certain place. I am like these everywhere I go and never change. But now I understand why I do not have many friends, it’s just because I am an emotional creature and not many people love such kind of a person.
But now, I will confess and say, I do not need anyone to love me for who I am because my creator knows why He gave me this emotional intelligence. But there are some very good people that God has put around me that love me the way I am. That is my two sons, (Collins and Calvin), My Dad (Jasper Mariene), Mum (Teresa Mariene), Sister (Caroline) and two brothers (George and Isaac). I know very well, even all these people that God has put around me, sometimes do not agree with this gift of mine of emotional intelligence but they have been put there by God to tolerate it because they have seen what it brings forth after tolerating it.
Anyway, let me say, I love myself the way I am, and I am not regretting a bit for who God has created me to be. Before it was an issue and I hated myself just because no one understood me at all. But now I understand myself better and the Lord has enabled me to understand myself better for his glory. I am not going to make any apologies at all for who God has created me to be but I will love on myself because now I understand why I am the way I am not like any other person.
This gift is not meant for many it is meant for a few whom God has chosen and most of them are Prophets. Ohh no, Rose I hope you do not want to brand yourself as a Prophet! I will tell you, whether you like it or not I am a prophet in the eyes of my Father because most of the time the missions he has sent me to, he does not send me and you, but myself alone with him. So, if you really want to know that gift that I have also struggled to understand, then please tolerate me or any other person you see having this gift because they are sent of the Lord to save a very bad situation that you can not see, but they are seeing. The emotional part is to feel this person and respond positively instead of criticizing and shunning it. That is the only way you can get to know who I am and you will understand and be my witness when the time comes. You will understand why I behaved the way I do and others who have the same personality or the gift. I know you are laughing out of your lungs when I call it a gift. I will tell you, laugh your heart out now but when the time comes you will confess with your mouth as they did to the son of God that, truly Jesus is the Son of God and He is God after they had crucified him. I love Jesus with all my heart because the love he has for me is so amazing that he can love a wretch like me. He is so kind that he can tolerate someone like me. I have always asked why I should go through a pain so that I understand something. Now I really understand that God has a big mission for me there ahead and for me to reach there, I have to go through all these pains as a way of equipping me and making me understand that I am not alone he is with me. When that time comes, I will not brag and say it was because of me but him who enabled me to be what he will have made to be. That time I am waiting because now I understand why he took me the path he took me to understand that he is making and molding me to be who he created me to be not for my glory but for his glory.
My dear friend what am I talking about. Most of the time when I want to express myself to people they judge me from my personality and not what I am trying to say. Well, as the world loves to hear what they want to hear, but most of the time I will not say what they want to hear, but I will say what they do not want to hear and that is why I get so many enemies. I wish they could just listen to what I am saying and not who I am. Because they will never understand who I am as I am fearfully and wonderfully made for the Glory of my Lord and not for anyone. Now I understand why Jesus was talking in parables. My next strategy is to learn and master how to talk in parables and then pass the message in my emotional way as the Lord as created me. I think that will send the message home better as I may think. I have not tried it, but I will ask God to help me understand how to go about it. If that will make people not look at me pay-say but listen to what I am saying, then I will have to do exactly that.
All said and done I just want to announce to the whole world that no one can change who I was created to be, but only God can change me. If people are waiting to change me, they will wait for long. It is only God who can change who I am. I want to encourage you who is reading what I am writing, as long as you are walking with God, and you are obedient do not accept anybody to change you and make you to be who you are not. I have always pretended to be who I am not in the past just to please people but I have come to realized I was not called for that. I was called to be who God created me to be whether I am like or not.
Now that I have known who I am in Christ, I do not feel rejected as I used to and I love myself the way I am. But something also about people like me that is not a good thing is that, we do not learn things the easy way. We learn it the hardest way so that we can get it so right I guess because of our stubbornness. Oh yes I called it stubbornness! What am I talking about? Let me give you an illustration. I once rolled with a car six times and God rescued me. When I talk like that I do not mean I am a careless driver. No! But I went through it as hard as it was just for the Lord to tell me something that I could not understand and not take. But I came out whole with just bruises. The lessons that the Lord taught me out of it, it could never have sunk unless I went through that. How many people would love to roll with a car so that they can learn a lesson? Hell no! No one, not even me. But because there is something that the Lord will want to teach someone like me, he will make me go through that pain in order to make me understand that he has chosen me, he has set me aside and I am nothing but a special child in his site and he has to teach me things the hardest way to save the rest from experiencing the same pain that is not so sweet for everyone but pass the message to his own. Many might not acknowledge it just because they judge me, but he acknowledges me because I am his ambassador and he knows why he has created me like that. Most of the time I warn people, I tell them to correct an anomaly and they never take heed of what am saying but just take my emotional part of it. Let me tell you, those who do not take the emotional part of it but take the message that I am trying to send because there is no way I can pass it without behaving weirdly the way I behave and speak it will never sink to them. But when a calamity befalls them or things do not go the way they thought, they remember, ohhh!!! No wonder Rose was behaving weirdly for us to understand because we did not want to listen we looked at the weirdness rather than the message she was trying to pass. Let me give another illustration that will make you get my point. One time, there is a lady who was always at the Office of the President wanting to talk to the President because she felt that the president will listen to her grievances. She used to go around the offices around Harambee Avenue and just speak out her heart out. No one listened to her but looked at her as a mad woman. But one time she realized no one is listening to me and decided to climb a tree just near the Police Headquarters so that she can be heard. Remember when she was talking, people branded her a mad woman instead of listening to what she was saying. While she was there up, she started making her grievances there and saying that, since no one is listening to her, she will through herself down and die. Let me tell you, this story I am not just buying it nor am I just saying it, it was on TV and that woman made everyone run up and down to so that they can save her life. You can imagine if this woman fell and died. Myself I can say all those who ignored her would have faced it rough. But because she acted weirdly by climbing the tree, everyone saw that truly she was not a mad woman but someone who was seeking audience but no one was attentive. But she had to even act crazier to pass the message, and this time round it worked for her. She never died but people sweet talked her while she was up there until she was rescued and she was given the attention she wanted. Because I was not there to know exactly what she was going through, her needs were met and today I have not heard of her and I guess she was sorted out. What am I trying to say here? I want to say that people of these character most of the time are never liked by any one but branded as mad people. I am not an exceptional but I would say, if for me to safe a situation or a person or a crises will warrant me to be a mad woman, I would rather be a mad person but save a situation or something rather than see it go down. That is me! I do not know if anyone feels me. If you do not, please just respect me for who I am and as time goes by, you will understand why God created me the way he created me and love me for me. That will save you a great deal because its not about who I am but who has created me and that is God the creator of Heaven, Universe and everything in them.
Anyway, let those who have ears hear and those who have eyes see. Now I really understand why they crucified Jesus and yet he was God. Their hearts are so hardened and they are always very critical. But they will always loose it as long as they do not open their eyes to see what He is saying besides just judging. Take your time and surrender to Him who understands the heart of men and can safe them by just accepting Him as your Lord and Saviour. After which you will understand God and you will not struggle to understand things and listen His voice for you to be safe in this evil world.
God bless you and may He open yours eyes to understand what he is telling you in all ways by listening to him in all these characters that are around you.