I am in one and I am not apologizing because I have many issues and I do not feel guilty fellowshipping there, because I belong. This home has made me realize that I am a sinner and I need Jesus daily. Every time I am right with my God, I always feel so much on cloud nine because I feel Him and He does feel me. How? That time usually am up my game with my Bible, quiet time, prophesies, worship, love, and the list is endless. This makes me feel so holy than ever before. Until when my weakness is triggered and I find myself alone. God has gone too far from me and then things start falling apart one by one. After I overcome this, another one just comes up and these trends weighs me down so much that I forget there is a Bible to read, pray, fast and others. Actually this is the time I find myself listening to circular music that makes my life because when I sing the gospel songs I feel betrayed and cheating myself because that time, God is too far way to be found. This is the time I even enjoy classic 105 because there is that ‘ka’ consolation that things are not bad though they are bad. (Bad in the sense that am not in fellowship with my Lord but I can afford to listen to classic 105 from morning to evening and not open my Bible just for a word). I am not saying listening classic is bad, am talking about not giving my time to my Lord that is where the problem is. So, do not quote me listening to classic 105 is bad. There is so much we learn from it.
The story of the woman spoken about in Luke 7:36-50 (Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. The she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is-that she is a sinner.” Jesus answered him, “Simon, I have something to tell you.” “Tell me, teacher,” he said. Two men owned money to a certain money-lender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he cancelled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?’ Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt cancelled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?’ Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt cancelled.” You have judged correctly,” Jesus said. Then he turned towards the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven-for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” The other guests began to say among themselves, “Who is this who even forgives sins?” Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
After reading those verses, triggered me to write this script. I am talking about this woman whom everybody knew was a sinner but them were “holy”! So, what about this woman in any case we know there are so many people who are sinners even more than she was. I will confess and say I am not feeling any different from her because I have realized my weaknesses have always made me take back my Lord to the Cross. Thanks be to Jesus Son of God who died for me a sinner (John 3:16-17) “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him” It does not matter what exactly have I done, but I am not feeling any different from her. (The woman in the Bible). I am a sinner and I always wonder if the Lord has forgiven me. (Guilt). I do not know whether sometimes you reach to such a point like me.
I might look a very cool lady without issues, but I will say I have my issues which I have always forwarded to my Lord once I acknowledge and accept them. I thought when I read the word more, have my quiet time daily, be guided by the Holy Spirit then I will always have a smooth life and enjoy my salvation. But I will tell you, I have been experiencing circles of events in relation to my walk in Christ and my day to day life. When I just bump into a new church with new people and all that is exciting around me, that moment comes to an end and I am left alone to be real and be myself when I settle. I have realized going to a different church and having a fellowship with different people does not change who I am. I always carry with me all my weakness and fears. This is a realization that has come to me in a very long time hopping from one church to another thinking things will change. I have come to realize that I am the one who needs change and not hopping from one church to another because all churches preach the same Bible only that they do it differently but the same thing.
So what can be done to someone like me? I would say, just halt and accept yourself just as you are and walk to Him (JESUS CHRIST) just the way you are because he knows who you are. He knows each and everything you are going through and knows how far you can take it yourself and how much you can hand over to him to help you out.
In the last like 11 months I have found myself in a situation that I have never thought I would be in my life time. I have been tempted to a level that I can’t imagine I have gone through all that and I am coming out of it. It might sound hard to understand since I have not shared exactly what it is all about, but I know those who know me personally have a clue or those who are just having mushene about me are and I will say that I am not ashamed of who I am. Whether you know my sins or not. What I value the most is that I am right with my Lord. He is the only one who can forgive me and make me clean and whole again. The rest of human beings, and will just make me hate myself, have self pity, cry, lack self esteem, feel weak, not a person and the list is endless. What a friend I have in Jesus! This is the only friend I value such a time because he knows me better and I know him. If I was to stand in front of him like now I know I could not have a place near him or even see him. But because he loved me this much he took all my sins away that is why He set me free 2000 years ago and I can face him when I am right and when I am wrong.
So, why am I this guilty and He forgave me? I am guilty because this guilt makes me go back to Him and seek for His forgiveness daily because I am alive in him. If I was dead inside me, then nothing would bother me. I would be comfortable enjoying myself in the filth and dirt that I have entangled myself in. But when the guilt comes this mightily, it reminds me that I cannot walk alone. I need him and that is why am comparing myself with this woman in Luke 7. It is after I confess what I am feeling and airing it out, that I find peace with myself and this will help me remove all my fears and guilt away.
This is my prayer to my Lord today:- (Lord, I have sinned against you and am writing this to my readers so that they understand that I have issues and I would need to confess my weakness to the world and focus to you that I need deliverance. I have realized my weakness and I want to walk with you daily. I do not know what kind of perfume that I can I buy and apply it to you Lord, but I come to you just as I am, seeking for your forgiveness and restoration.
I need you Lord and I cry to you Abba Father hear me while I cry to you. This is a confession that I am making after I have seen your faithfulness, love, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, deliverance from you and yet I could not have a fellowship with you. I felt weak and lonely. I have always thought I will get joy from my friends, family members, work mates, but I have realized I can only get my peace from you. Though I have learnt it through the hard way, Lord I want to have an intimate fellowship with you daily. When I am up and when I am down. Give me wisdom and favour to be able to serve you where I am and to encourage others since I know I have gone through all this so that I uplift others. I am not special nor do I call myself holy. I call myself your servant and ready to be used of you. It does not matter my weaknesses because you know them. Help me to realize my weaknesses, accept them, surrender them to you and work on them. I have realized I have to deal with myself in order to get my full healing because if I hide my weakness, I will remain the same. Give me friends that will walk with me on this journey so that I can be accountable to them and keep my checks on my progress as I continue growing in you. Help me to forgive others especially, those who have hurt me because I feel bitterness in my heart. Forgive me for hurting others and restore my friendship and fellowship with them. Lord I need you like never before. Without you, I cannot move. Be with me and guide me through your Holy Spirit. In Jesus Holy Name I do pray and believe. Amen!
As I read these verses in Luke 7 about the sinful woman, I felt I was not different from her. I do not know how much sins she had but I appreciate that Jesus had me in mind and that is why He died for me. It is my prayer that the Lord will always be with me even when I go out of his way that I will come back and seek for your guidance and protection.
It has been long not having the fellowship that I deserve to have with Him, but am appreciating his love for me and mercy so that I start a fresh with Him. I come with surrender and humility as my expensive perfume since I can’t imagine the embarrassment behind my confession as much as I have not talked openly here what exactly I have done against Him, but the Lord knows. I do not know what can equal to the perfume of the sinful woman in the Bible that she presented to him but I know my God loves a contrite spirit because he does not despise/turn away.
My prayer for you today my reader is that you acknowledge when you are not right with God and seek Him with all your heart and I know He will hear you. Our God is merciful and kind to us and He loves to fellowship with us always.